09 – Becoming a Badass with Lydia Barrington

Tune into Episode 9 – Becoming a Badass with Lydia Barrington right here in your browser, find it on your favourite platform (head here for the links) or keep reading for a transcript.

Neens: Hi, hello and welcome to this episode of the Rules Are Made Up. I am not by myself today. We’ve actually got another guest episode and I am joined by my friend and former coach Lydia. 

Welcome to the pod. 

Lydia: Thank you, I’m excited to be here. 

Neens: I’m excited to chat to you because we’ve been, I think we we’ve known each other for quite a while actually going way, way back to the CrossFit days when you were a coach at the gym that I used to go to and we’ve just sort of been connected ever since, even though you’ve kind of moved around the country and stuff a little bit too. But before we may be chat a little bit more about there, can you maybe introduce yourself and tell everyone what you do and I guess you know, like what, what’s your origin story? 

Lydia: Oh, where do we even begin? UM, OK my name is Lydia. And what I’m currently doing is I am working as an online coach and my mission is to essentially help women who are keen to get started on their self discovery journey and essentially like learn how they can be unapologetically them, and like create a life that they feel obsessed with and I just do that through fitness and personal development. 

Neens: Awesome! And how did you get to that journey, ’cause I think it is like obviously we when we first connected you were a CrossFit coach at a CrossFit gym, so I guess how did you know? How did you get into CrossFit? Have you been like a coach and trainer and that like all your life or did you have other like what got you into this and how did it all start? 

Lydia: So my OG story goes like quite far back and that’s why it’s like where do you wanna start? 

’cause it does go very far back. So I originally, in my previous life I was a hairdresser, so I left school when I was 16 and I got a hairdressing apprenticeship. And so I went straight into hairdressing, worked my way through and became a qualified hairdresser and just like loved it and then I kind of got to the point that I was like, I had this tendency to like want to always be achieving and like learning new things and so I’d kind of like clocked the things that I wanted and it was kind of like “oh what next?” In the back of my mind like “OK, what I want to do?” I’m sure you can relate and then at the time I was actually, like I started getting into my foot this and I had a friend who was a personal trainer and she was like writing me like really cool programs and I joined Massey gym. I was doing this like cool circuits and back then even though it wasn’t that long ago, it was quite random and like kind of weird to see girls like out on the floor doing circuits and like weights and stuff like that. It was very much, you know, like this is the girl side of the gym, this is the guys kind of side and so even that like I kind of got noticed in a bit by the staff and like made friends with them and stuff. 

And then I also had a colleague at the salon and her partner was a personal trainer and he trained people at Massey and I would see like when I was at the gym I was like man that looks fun like they looked like they having like the best time ever and then I was like oh you know if I was going to get into personal training like what would I do and he was like Oh well I studied at Massey, they do a really good degree there. So it’s like, OK, so I looked into that and then I got accepted. So I enrolled at Massey University and then I actually mentioned to the people at the gym and I was like, oh, I’m so excited that I’m going to be starting this Health Science bachelor and major and Sport and Exercise Science, and then they’re like, would you want a job and so what I was like I have no experience whatsoever and I’m just going to be sitting, they’re like perfect like you’ve got the people skills ’cause we can teach you the rest. 

So I was like OK so I left hairdressing but not completely like I, I kind of always dabbled in hairdressing throughout study, I even cut my lecturers hair like I cut lots of students and it was like such a good way to make money and then I would also work at the salon part-time anyway. So then throughout Massey studying I part time worked at Massey University gym and then towards the end of the year of my final year, that’s when I started getting into CrossFit. So what if my clients was actually like “Oh yeah, like there’s this thing called CrossFit and I want to train to better do CrossFit” and you know him, his name was Kit and so and I was like what is this CrossFit stuff? 

And then I was like, actually like ’cause I’d always like got into circuit training and I was like, oh this seems like a bit of me and then, yeah, I hit up Brian and I was like, “hey look, I’m so keen and what are the chances of me like being able to come in and coach like I’d be keen to intern and like learn and work for free” and I went and got my cert and then he was like, yeah, just like come on let’s do it and so I was like sweet and then yeah, I joined into CrossFit. 

Neens: Awesome, that is such a cool like [awkward pause] what was I trying to say – I just had my thought there and it’s gone I think but it’s like there almost, like you got interested by observing, like by seeing something like something inside you was like, is this really all this, you know, do I want to be doing this forever, like there was this questioning of is this really what I want to do and then like you then figured out, well, actually, maybe it isn’t, and maybe I want to look into, you know, like was there like, I think what I’m trying to ask is you know what sort of at the time when you started to get into the training stuff or you were looking into the uni,  studying again and stuff like that was there like this questioning of yourself or was it more like a “actually you know I like what I’m doing at the salon, but actually I’m just wondering what else I could be doing” and so was there like a uh, what’s the word? Words escape me I should have, I should have had another coffee! I guess I’m just trying to sort of more on the like you’re you’re trying to dig into more like your mindset and like how you were thinking and like talking to yourself as you were starting to explore and discover. 

I guess for reference when I, I’ve been on a bit of a, uh, mindset and growth journey for quite a while, and it’s always been fascinating to me, but only really in the last 12 months I was like, oh, actually, maybe you know, I’ve always been like I had this thought in the back of my mind of maybe I could actually like formalize some study in it, and like you know, learn it properly and that had been at the back of my mind for like a couple of years before then, last year I also decided to enroll and I’m now studying psychology at university. 

And now it’s actually, it’s gone, like completely to the other end of the spectrum where I’m like actually I want to qualify as like a counselor or a therapist at the end of it. Was there like that voice for like a few, cause I think for me I sort of didn’t take action right away. I was like I was letting it marinade a little bit I guess and was it the same for you? Or were you like you know, was it like a couple of visits to the gym and then you’re like I want to like, “that’s what I wanna do” was it like that or was it well like “Oh, this looks interesting, but I’m not sure yet” and it was sort of more of a longer journey to figure out if you wanted to go down to see a different path? 

Lydia: Yeah, I think that’s really interesting, cause it’s like there’s two paths I kind of want to go down with this answer and the first one is, uh, yeah when I started training with my friend who was a PT and I was like man, I’m really enjoying this and then I could see yeah, how much fun like this other dude was having with his clients and I was like man, it seems just like so much fun. That yeah, I took action, I went to the university like got a meeting with one of the advisors and she told me like what I could do, what my options were and then at the time it was kind of like “well, I can have hairdressing on the side so  I don’t have to fully let it go” and this is just going to be me, like trialing it kind of thing. And then with the hairdressing I had kind of gone down that road because at the time it was like when I left school it was like, well, you’re not just gonna leave school like you’re going to have to do something. And my dad was like, oh, you know, why don’t you look into something like hairdressing? And so I was like, OK, like I always like doing my hair so and like I’d always get compliments on it. So I was like OK why not? And then I tried it and I was so like so shy when I first started hairdressing but you can’t be a shy hairdresser, you have to talk to people so that actually like allowed me to build up so much confidence and like abilities to actually communicate with people, which then carried over really well into the gym  

So yeah, it was like a OK, I’ve done this a few times and I’m really enjoying this like I want to try something else but I also know that I’ve got hairdressing and I can always come back to it. 

Yeah, and I wasn’t feeling as fulfilled, it was kind of like what you said before about like, OK, there’s something else, “what have I got to lose like, why not just try it?” 

Yeah, and then the other path that I was wanting to go down is what you said about how yeah you’ve kind of transitioned into this like new path of your own ’cause you felt like oh I’m gonna take my you know interest and passion for this like a little bit to a whole another level and explore like new revenues and stuff and ways of expressing that passion and now it’s a part of your work. 

There was always that as part of me, like further down at the track, so when I was doing CrossFit, you remember Carl Paoli and I started getting into the movement side of it and then wasn’t feeling as fulfilled with the CrossFit stuff, but I was more intrigued with the movement, but there was still this like crossover that I was loving the movement and bringing it to CrossFit because it was different. 

And then anyway, I was like I was really questioning OK, like what is it that I want to do? What’s my why and it was kind of always in the back of my mind like I would like to do something out like on my own, but I never that was when like you said before that was kind of like in the back of my head, but I didn’t take action ’cause I was like “Oh no, I can’t do that like I don’t know how to do that”, you know? 

And so, yeah, that’s kind of quite interesting that you brought that up ‘cause yeah, it was kind of like in the back of my head, like yeah, that be so cool but I never like fully committed to it until now.  

Neens: Yeah, and I think what’s interesting, and I think I can relate, I guess too, is that you know if you’ve had it in your mind for so long, or it kind of keeps popping back up randomly, you know, or you see someone else you know, like we’re so connected these days, so you see other people doing stuff. And you’re like, I wonder if I can do that, it kind of, if it’s something that you keep coming back to, even if you don’t, ’cause I guess this there’s this thing of take messy action or you just gotta do something and as helpful as that is from a lens of not waiting until stuff is perfect or until later, or in the context of waiting for the perfect time. I think there also is some nuance there, ’cause sometimes you know you it isn’t necessarily the right time for that person to take action, or there are other factors influencing why they might not be taking action right like financial security is also like it’s a huge one, right? 

Like I would never just quit my daytime – my daytime???- I mean my full-time job to just try and figure this business thing out. Because you know, there’s various reasons for needing that, but I think it’s also interesting to see, like if it is in your head long enough, then actually you know what do you have to like, I like the whole you know what do I have to lose like? Why can’t, even if it if I fail? That’s OK like I’ve still learned something. 

Yeah, I think I mentioned this podcast on the other guest on my 1st guest episode too and I’ll link in the show notes again, but there’s this amazing podcast it’s literally called How to Fail and she had Brené Brown on and they were talking about obviously failure, but one of the things that they talked about stuck with me is that you know instead of approaching things of having to achieve a particular outcome, is to approach it just to learn like, try and detach yourself from having to, you know like even starting a business, like detach yourself from it having to look a particular way in 12 months time or having you know being able to quit your full-time job or not having to have something on the side or all of those like detach yourself from that and just kind of figure out I’m learning how to talk about what I do, I’m learning how to work with other people or I’m learning you know how to write emails, how to freaking figure out email systems. and it’s a similar I know this isn’t like a business podcast but it’s very similar and I just made it sound like it was, but it’s very similar movement though, right? 

Sometimes, and I think you probably would have seen it more than I see I have been going, I was someone that went to the gym in the past before I had my own in my in my house but it’s something that you know a lot of people are sometimes, we’re too afraid to start because we also, we make the thing so big as opposed to figuring out actually what’s just the smallest, like what’s the tiniest little step that I can take, and maybe that’s something we can talk about a little bit more ’cause I think I’m sure you’ve seen it with your clients You know way back like since you’ve started, ’cause there’s such a fear or such a kind of hesitation sometimes to get started. Even with lots of things, but I think especially movement or you know, going to the gem or that kind of thing. Do you want to talk a little bit more maybe how you’ve where you’ve seen that in clients and or how you help them navigate that? ’cause I think there could be some cool actionable stuff that listeners can take away. 

Lydia: Definitely and yeah, I see this a lot. I’ve seen it a lot back and all your parts of my coaching like whether it’s back when I started or right now with the online clients and I can only like say it ’cause I’ve experienced it myself so I can relate to how that feels. 

Yeah, it’s like to the point that like it kind of ties in also with, I think that outcome and expectations of what you have on that perceived thing, like the amount of times that I’d hear people like, oh, I have to get fit before I can do CrossFit, or you know, like I have to do this before I can actually start that or you know, I have to lose this amount of weight before I could do that. 

Or yeah, they have these like expectations that they’ve put on themselves and then they get so overwhelmed ’cause they think they need to change every little thing to be like absolutely perfect before they can start out on this venture, whether it’s in business towards a fitness goal or anything.  

Yeah, like you touched on before, what I suggest is people make small achievable like tasks for themselves like actionable things that they can do. Little things are going to compound into awesome like long lasting results than trying to do like an all or nothing approach hands down every time. It’s like what is, what does it look like if it’s easy? And it’s not that you’re setting your standards low, it’s like no this is like your gateway to starting and then you’re gonna build momentum and it’s gonna be easier to show up. And then yeah, if you keep repeatedly showing up then you’re going to get those results that you want. 

Neens: Yeah, and I think that’s a, I like the whole, you know, like what does easy look like. I think often and I shared this at the time of recording this, I shared it earlier in my earlier in the week on like social media and stuff ’cause I, we just brought home a new puppy and a now a dog family and he is very young and you know there are a lot of things to learn, but also there’s a lot of bonding and just helping him settle. And you know, him getting used to his surroundings but also getting used to us and us getting used to him. And you know, for the foreseeable future, that’s where my most of my attention, and my focus is going to be. 

And so the way I’ve approached basically everything else is with this like bare ass minimum approach, right. Which is almost like the you know, “What does easy look like?” It’s a very similar thing where I’m like, you know, I might not be even though I have a gym literally in my backyard, I might not be able to make it there all the time ’cause someone has to be fed, taken outside and played with and cared for so you know, but actually running around in the backyard with him and his toys and throwing shit and you know doing that stuff. That’s still movement, is it? Is it what I actually want to be doing? Maybe not most of the time because I actually do like lifting weights and doing metcons and that kind of stuff, but it’s also OK if that some days, that’s all the movement I’m getting. I’m still outside, I’m still, you know, doing something. I’m not like lying on the couch or whatever, sometimes that’s also what we need, and that’s a good thing but you know, it’s like instead of trying to tell myself now I have to get into the gym and I have to do these workouts and it has to look this particular way and it has to be this long. It’s like nah just remove those expectations and that she just I can you know like I think I literally have a little list like a spectrum, right? And that’s something I work with clients on a lot is, you can do it with movement or any in any quantities really, but it’s having this continuum meter of like instead of just giving yourself two options of like you know, yay or nay like you either done it or you haven’t, or it’s this perfect idea, T 

You know it’s to get away from you all or nothing thinking it’s look at your options on a continuum and like for movement for me, for example, amazing is getting a proper powerlifting session in the gym for like an hour, hour and a half ’cause there is like I just love that shit. Like give me heavyweights any day I’m in paradise but also there’s versions that are “less”, that aren’t as long. There might just be a metcon like a 10 or 15 minute, you know get the heart rate up or jump on the assault bike for a certain amount of time. That’s like a uh, a “less” version of like a good like an awesome version still. I mean, maybe some days I’m just going to go for a walk around the neighborhood and that’s also still good, like it’s still something, right? It doesn’t have, it’s a way to look at stuff without having to go, I can’t do it the way I thought I wanted to so fuck everything. So no there’s probably still something you can do, but it’s about removing the expectations of it having to look a certain way all the time. 

Lydia: Right exactly yeah and for it to be like I know that you share a similar thing with the perfectionism thing, so it’s kind of like Yeah, if we want this to be this like this best thing it can be, it can actually stop us from even starting or doing the thing and or finishing it because we’ve got this crazy expectation that has to be this like perfect thing versus like hey, if we actually just show up, do the thing, put it out there. We’re going to get closer than if we just, you know, fixate like you said on what that outcome has to be. Ticking all these boxes, and it’s that all or nothing approach like you said.  

And same with the movement stuff, it’s like, yeah, what does this look like? It was if it was easy, make it actually reasonable, like that you can commit to that thing ’cause like yeah, you know if you commit to all these things and it’s like no, I have to do four days but you know you’re pushing it to do 4 and then yeah, if you can’t do it, you’re like “Oh fuck it, I’m not gonna do any of it because I couldn’t do it, it’s too hard.” 

Neens: Yeah, yeah, I think that is sort of, it ties in nicely with some of the stuff I wanted to talk about with you as well because I think this continuum thinking is one of the big things that I personally wished I had when I really started to get into things like way back. I think I had heaps of injuries and it was like this was me and you know I can’t do anything in the gym, I hate even though I had amazing coaches like yourself helping me figure out “Oh, you know you can do this movement, instead of that movement, and that’s fine.” You know it took me a while to really for that to really sink in, and I think that’s one of the things I wish I’d already known when I sort of really started on my journey of getting into self growth and development and I guess just life really, but what is something for you that you’re like actually, when I first you know and it can be fitness journey, it could be your own kind of, you know, entrepreneurial journey or whatever your context you want to pick or all of them. 

But it’s something like what is, you know what are some of the things that you wished you’d know you sort of knew at the start of your journey or just something that you wish you’d known. 

Earlier, right, it doesn’t have to be necessarily right back, smack bang at the start but something you’ve just wished someone told you a bit earlier than you actually found out about it. 

Lydia: Well, there’s a few things that come to mind, even though you said one, there’s like a few. 

It’s uhm, yeah, not having it all figured out before you start. Not being afraid to fail and not being afraid to just try things. So the figuring it out thing that yeah I feel like that has blocked me quite a bit, whether it’s with movement, whether it’s with my coaching, and whether it’s the entrepreneurial stuff because it’s like, oh, I have to have this all perfect and mapped out and it has to be so good. 

And yeah if I don’t have it figured out then I suck, I’m not good enough. I’m an impostor, I’m this, than that and the self-doubt and all that stuff creeps in and it’s like you know five-year plan. What’s your 10-year plan? Where are you going? Like where do you want to be? What is your purpose? Do this like activity thing and I would do the activity trying to find out what my purpose was and it would just take me further back and I’d be left more confused and frustrated. It’s this like constant need of trying to have it all figured out that I would feel so overwhelmed I would end up in this like perpetual cycle of just feeling so frustrated like not being able to move. This is like when I actually would just take some action and then that would tell me whether I’m going in the right or wrong direction for me, because it would either feel good or it wouldn’t really feel good. So it was like if I had just known that you don’t have to have it all figured out then I could just move a lot faster and then I would like figure it out as I went.  

I think that’s the coolest thing is when you know that you’re gonna figure it out as you go, it leaves opportunity for like new things to show up and like surprises and you know you don’t know where it’s gonna go and I think that’s really cool and it allows you to be a bit more adaptable and like flowey, and not so rigid and feel like it has to be this way and then you get pissed off  when it doesn’t happen that way, and but then you’re like Oh my God that this happened and it was like so much better for doing that so yeah. 

Neens: Yeah, and I can definitely relate with the rigidity thing too ’cause my brain hates ambiguity like if my brain is if I could plan out everything that would be amazing and so I very much in with having Chewie around (that’s the puppy) like look she is it’s not even a full week and he’s already taught me, you know what? Structure means jackshit at the moment [laughs]. I don’t have a timetable I’m adhering to, so you’re just going to have to work around me, right? But that doesn’t mean I have to stop everything else that I’m doing either right? Which goes back to that that BAM approach though I’m because I just have to look at it differently and just remove, you know he’s already taught me just to let go of the expectations and the need for everything having to have structure. It doesn’t mean like you can have both you can have and I think that’s something else I wish I’d learned a lot earlier, is that… ’cause I always thought I’m like this super structured like I have to have routines and you know, like, I’m just that kind of person and I am really let’s face it AND I’m also starting to get better at just going with the flow because, I have no other option with him, right? 

It’s either going with the flow and waiting for him to do his stuff outside, or it’s risking an accident inside the house, right? It’s like they’re those are my options, which aren’t really options, and so I think that’s really the part with the opportunity stuff as well, like you don’t, you just don’t, the thing is you don’t know unless you start doing something and that can be scary, right? It can be really, really scary when you are someone who needs to know what’s happening or what’s going to happen. You know you need the steps laid out in front of you to make decisions, and it’s really, really scary when they’re not there and you can’t see them and no one can help you figure it out. 

But I think that’s where that make it easy like that where that part comes in again though, right? Because it’s like what is some of the stuff that you can do, that you’re OK doing and it’s OK if that’s where you start because you started like you know you’re doing something, you’re taking some, even do you, don’t so you know you don’t have to know how to you like You don’t have to know your way to your way around the weight room, but even just driving to the gym and signing up, that’s a good place to start, right? That’s a, the lower the lower hanging fruit and then there’s multiple options from there, you know to talk to someone, work with someone or whatever else. But you don’t have to, like no one expects you to be like this amazing lifter on your first, like the first time you step into the gym. Like I mean, I didn’t, to be fair I don’t think I had those expectations myself ’cause I was like, I’m here to learn, but I think it’s still scary and I think that’s where you know, probably you, where your coaching comes in to sort of help people let go of those expectations and barriers. 

Lydia: Yeah, definitely, and I think like I was thinking back to come when you first when we were first talking about my origin story and I feel like there’s been, like the second part of that from the CrossFit to where I am now. I kind of feel like that ties into what we’re talking about in terms of yeah, not having it figured out being OK to try things and being OK with failure and by no means do I have that shit figured out, but I have been practicing it and it’s got me to where I am now and in doing that it feels yeah pretty badass ’cause it’s like, well, you’ve actually come so far, because yeah, you actually decided like hey I wanted to try these things and I’m going to make the most of this opportunity to figure out who I really am, what is it I wanna do and I’m just going to try.  

Neens: Yeah, and it’s like you said it’s OK to fail. It’s also OK if you figure out you know, actually I wanted to do this thing but maybe actually it isn’t for me, right? 

Lydia: Yeah, exactly. 

Neens: Like it I’ve realized in my 30s that I didn’t want to keep doing the stuff that I’ve been doing beforehand, right? Like I’ve been on my entrepreneurial journey and now being back at Uni, I’ve done all of that in my 30s, right? You don’t have to know when you leave school when you do whatever, it’s like you learn as you go and you can change your mind because that’s OK. 

You know you don’t have to it goes ties back to you don’t have to have it all figured out right away. 

Lydia: Yeah, and you also like something that I feel like I’ve had to work on well for a very long time, but especially just like yeah, not always, yeah I want to say not ever, but you don’t really want to seek the approval of others and allow those opinions to dictate your moves and what you do. I’m not sure how much you know about my Australia move to New Zealand. You know how I transitioned over there for a brief amount of time? 

Neens: I yes, I remember that our listeners probably won’t so it’s up to you how much you want to go into that.  

Lydia: Yeah I think it just gives a little bit of context with my own personal discovery journey and then I guess reiterating that importance that I think anyway is to like listen to your intuition and listen to your gut, try things, like be prepared to put yourself out there, get uncomfortable and figure out who you really are and what you want to do in life. 

So the fastest, I guess fast track is OK CrossFit. I did the movement stuff and then it was like OK I’m gonna go to Australia ’cause what’s the next thing that I want to do like? I feel like I’m kind of like really for this new level.  

Long story short, I was there five weeks heartbroken, come back to New Zealand I’m living in Auckland somewhere I’ve never lived before and then my dad, so I’ve never lived with before and I’m like what the fuck am I gonna do? I’ve got no job; I’ve got no money. I’ve got no, you know, support I mean, I had my family and my friends and my dad obviously, but it was kind of like what the fuck and that was like the coolest catalyst for me to actually really figure out: “Alright, Lydia, who are you? What is it that you want to do? This is an opportunity to try new things and I was like well, fuck you’re obsessed with coffee, why don’t you try making coffee?”  

And so yeah I rocked up, I got a job, I’d never had a job as a barista, but you know, I loved it and people were probably like “what the hell are you doing” like doing that, but you know that was just me getting out of my comfort zone, me trying something that I really liked and I got so much fulfillment out of it. I earned some money, then from there I was like OK, I’m ready to transition, like I’ve done a lot of healing. I’ve been working on myself and I started going to Wellington and then we had lockdown so I was actually stuck in Ōtaki at my sisters but being stuck there actually was like amazing because then I started doing like my cali and then I met my life partner and then I got a new job and then that led to me then moving here and starting my own business, and so it’s like all these little things are just like whether they feel like it at the time, you can see them as you can choose to see them I should say as an opportunity and a catalyst to figure out who you really are and what you want to do and just try and show up and yeah, just follow that. 

Neens: Yeah, and I think and that doesn’t, I think something worth calling out there too though is that at the time, like when you’re in it, right? It’s still like you don’t have to try and figure out, oh, this is gonna be like a bright spot you know, in five years’ time it’s like some shit will, like it will suck in the moment, right but I think there’s still sort of a way to think about, well, you know, is there something? Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but maybe in a year or in five years that you know, is there something here that I can you know that that can help me figure something else out? You know, in hindsight, I think they’re always great learning opportunities. But they would they definitely don’t feel like that at the time, because sometimes shit just sucks. 

Lydia: Yeah, definitely. 

Neens: So I think you sort of, ’cause you’ve kind of touched on what I was going to ask you next, but also not really ’cause I wanted to know and I don’t think I could actually answer my own question.  

What is one or more? Doesn’t have to be one, but one or more of the that like the most powerful concepts or tools that you’ve learned for yourself that you think are some like you know that you’re like “fuck everyone needs to know this stuff” ’cause I don’t with a lot of the stuff that I trying to I fall into the trap of “Everyone needs to know these things” and I think that may not necessarily being super helpful on my own business journey ’cause there’s certain things you should be doing to not try and be for everyone.  

But it’s maybe a topic for another day, but what are some key sort of tools maybe that you’re like actually if everyone was kind of familiar with it or knew how to use this in their own lives. You know, that would help them no matter what context or no matter what they’re going through, what are some of those things? 

Lydia: OK, and two things come to mind and the first thing that comes to mind is more of like a mindset reframe and that is taking responsibility for your life. And I know that sounds maybe broad or like maybe like, Oh yeah, it’s just easy but once you can actually fully take ownership of your life that you are in control, like you create your reality – hands down, your life will change because you’re now acting from a place of like “fuck yeah, I get to create this shit, I get to be who I am, I can become whatever I want and I can show up in the world however I want to” – that is so empowering and when you can come from a place of like creation and you’re like designing your life versus just default and you’re going through the motions and everything happening to you and you feel reactive and you know like I now that I’ve, I feel like I’ve taken that full ownership, it’s completely different and it’s changed my life completely.  

The second thing that comes up is journaling. So unlike the biggest advocate for journaling, I journal in the mornings, I journal during the day I journal when I’m happy, I journal when I’m sad, I journal in the evenings. And like the coolest thing, I think about journaling is you’re like literally getting access to your subconscious mind and like when you’re trying to figure shit out and you don’t know what’s happening. You can put pen to paper and then you get all this like cool insight.  

Sometimes, like you said before, it doesn’t feel cool because you’re like what the fuck like you’re either like sad or crying and you’re trying to work through shit, but in doing that you’re actually understanding like what’s going on, and you can work through things and you can heal through things, you can get ideas, and yeah, it’s just yeah amazing. 

Neens: Yeah, I think journaling is incredibly powerful, not just because you you start to go like wow, I didn’t know that was there, but I think for me, a big powerful thing is too. Is like it’s a way for you to grab what’s in your brain and to put it out on paper and that in and of itself just by doing that it gives you, like it almost, it puts like this it others your thoughts in a way like it creates a bit of a barrier between like what’s in your brain and what you put on paper, you’re like, “huh? This is what’s been going on in there?” but it’s actually, because it does sometimes it does feel different to like what you’re thinking to when you’re then writing it, like “huh, interesting”, so I think like the just putting pen to paper is amazing, I’m with you. I usually journal in the mornings too, I haven’t lately because I’ve had to sort someone else out instead, but I still do some prompts in the evening, maybe do you want to share, like do you have like favorites or some that are sort of your go-to because we can, we I sort out the episode, I can put them in the show notes so people you know if they want to start giving it ago or trying out different prompts or whatever, then they can. So do you want to maybe share some of those? 

Lydia: Yeah, awesome so in the mornings I have 3 prompts so the first one is your standard gratitude so it would be three things that I’m grateful for and that can be anything. 

The next one is 3 things that will make my day epic.  

And then the last one is 3 intentions that will make me feel like a badass. So those are the three like things that I start with and then I’ve got into a habit of afterwards, then doing what I call a freestyle and it will start off with like “Hey Badass, good morning” and then I just let whatever rip and I don’t have any expectation on what I’m writing, I especially try get out of the narrative that I’m writing like copy or something for a post or whatever like that. It’s like this is unedited, unfiltered, just write and so the more that I’ve practiced that the better it feels. And yeah, that’s when some really cool shit comes up and I can finish it out. 

And then in the evening I have three things that made the day epic, and then three things that I could have done better. And then if I do feel like doing like another freestyle, I will but generally those those prompts are like good enough, and then it would be like “sleep well, dream big” or something like that. Yes I like talk to myself like that. [laughter] 

Neens: Cool, awesome I’ll make sure I’ll grab them out of the transcript and put them separately in the show notes too ’cause I think there’s some good ones there. 

and I think one of the things when I was sort of thinking and preparing for this episode, and I sent you some things I was going to ask you. I think this next question Is I’ve been looking forward to asking you this because the podcast is, you know, called the rules are made up because most of them fucking are  because we get to create a lot of, I mean things like laws and you know regulations and those kinds of things are probably let’s, you know, let’s not necessarily question them and break them all the time, but a lot of the kind of rules we impose on ourselves are like yeah, we don’t have that, you can decide what you want to do. 

That’s partly why I called the podcast what I did. But are there some that you’re like “Actually, I wish I had started to question this kind of thinking earlier or sooner” or are there some that you sort of see in your clients or in the industry, or just you know in society at large or whatever, like it can be anything where you’re like? “Can we just fucking stop doing this shit” ’cause I think there’s certainly something that comes to mind for me, but I want to hear from I wanna hear which ones you’re like “Actually, can we just question these rules”? 

Lydia: so the first thing that comes to mind, and this is actually something you and I touched on from a post that you shared earlier in the week, and it was for me it actually happened because I was actually having a conversation with a colleague at the gym and they were like, “oh are you OK?” And I was like “what do you mean” and they’re like “oh you’re not like high vibe-y and you know like high energy and stuff” and I’m thinking, fuck like, is there something wrong with me and then I started questioning like what was going on and then I felt this like pressure like fuck like am I like the high vibey- always have to be positive and I was like Oh my God like yeah I think I’ve got this pressure on myself and yeah, almost like this rule, like you’re saying that I have to be that high positive person and if I’m not then something seriously wrong with me and that yeah, everything has to be like “Yeah, it’s always great” and even if I’m not, it’s like yeah, you find a way to be that you know high positive vibe-y person.  

Whereas yeah, I’ve come to realize that actually no, it’s important to validate if you’re not feeling OK and it’s OK not to be OK. And it’s all a part of it, like the ebbs and flows of feeling all the feelings literally like our emotions are energy in motion. They’re there to flow up and down you know so yeah, that has been huge for me. 

Neens: Awesome, I love that because I think so many of us and I think there’s even like there’s people writing books about a lot of this shit at the moment too. But it’s like we focus so much on, you know, and I think there’s probably some, there is something to be said a lot of the time to focus on positives or to reframe because one of the things I’ve learned by educating myself, but also from coaches I’ve worked with is that our brains have a negativity bias, right? Like they will go to all the shit that’s wrong with you, with life as a world whatever build that they gravitate towards that. 

Uh, because I guess in a weird twisted way it helps the brain like that’s how they figure out how to keep us safe.  Like oh, there’s all this bad shit happening stay away, but that makes it hard to then recognize we actually I’m doing this thing OK or you know or to go “actually I’m winning” you know it like “I’m pretty good at this thing” or this is like “these are my wins at the moment”, UM and so I really like the, you know, hey, let’s like you can feel the feelings and sit in the shit of it sometimes. 

Like it’s fucking hard AND you can also, like it doesn’t have to be a binary either/or, it feels like that’s what we’re sort of led to believe that, well, you have to feel your feelings and you can’t feel positive about it – well actually you can do both. Like you can sit in a feeling, like with having Chewie around now, I can be frustrated that my schedule and my plans for a lot of shit that I wanted to do this month or for the foreseeable future is all a little bit up in the air and I kind of have to figure out a new Normal, so to speak.  

I can be frustrated with that AND actually look forward to “well shit I get to replan some stuff here, that’s actually kind of cool”. And he’s teaching me some skills that I actually need to learn a little bit more, which is being patient I have to be with him, which is going with the flow ’cause I’m not a go with the flow kind of person.  

So like multiple things can coexist at the same time, and I think that’s I think that’s something I wish I’d learned or I’d questioned the duality, like the binary or the singularity of stuff sooner – like “no, shit can coexist, and it doesn’t have to be one option or another, it’s like it can be a spectrum or a rainbow if you want like it can be heaps of different things all at the same time. 

Lydia: Yeah, definitely, and I think yeah, like now like my reframe of like what it means to be a positive person like I still think I’m a positive person. It just looks different than how I originally thought that concept of being positive looks like and felt like versus like you said, I can actually feel my feelings, I can communicate those feelings right? Whether it’s to myself or to others and express those needs, or whether they’re irrational thoughts, I can label them for what they are. Feel the feels if I need to feel sad, I cry and let it out, if I feel frustrated, like you said, let it out.  

But then yeah, also, I am then able to be like “OK, why is this feeling showing up and what is it trying to teach me? What can I learn from this and you know, like you said, if it is shitty feels, sometimes it’s actually a good thing ’cause then you’re like “well fuck, actually this is gonna make me like navigate this way, and this feels like better”. Yeah so I agree, it’s not just like your one or the other.  

It’s this constant ebb and flow of all these different feelings and they’re all even though sometimes they don’t feel good or we can’t make sense of them, we eventually do and like you said if we yeah just reframe that to a way of like OK like what can I use this for. How can I learn from this? How can I? Yeah understand what like I I say our feelings are like messages from our soul trying to communicate to us what it is that we need. And I feel that I feel that’s really cool. It’s like, oh OK, why is this showing up like what can I do with this? 

Neens: Yeah, they’re aware they’re kind of like a guiding, guiding star – that’s not really they’re like a guide Right in a way, like they help us figure out well, whatever it is that we need to figure out they’re like “Oh yeah, go here, go look at this” 

Lydia: Exactly, there’s like little text messages to us, like direct messages. 

Neens: Yeah, cool, I think we’re coming. We’re starting to come up on time and so I don’t really have any other questions. But aside from maybe I’ll put it to you, is there anything in particular that you want to tell the people that are listening, we’re going to go into the you know, where can they find you will do that at the end, but is there anything where you’re like yeah actually, I really wanted to talk about this thing or I really need you guys to know this! Is there anything like that that comes to mind? 

Lydia: The thing that comes to mind is and I know this can feel hard for some and I know it’s definitely been hard in my journey or something I’m still practicing every day and it’s to be yourself and I know that might sound like cliche or whatever, but hands down like be yourself like the Oscar Wilde quote “Be yourself because everyone else is taken.” Hands down, there’s room for everyone. We need to hear your message we need to have your gift shared with the world like, yeah, just show up, be you and become all that you want to become.  

Neens: A lot easier said than done but I cosign it, I cosign that. But it is a lot easier said than done some days because we just aren’t we don’t learn to do that right we try to, we learn to fit in and we learn to not, you know, stray from the path or stray from the norm, so it feels weird that if us being ourselves isn’t what everyone else is, you know because it’s different, it feels yeah but I 100% cosign that shit because once you actually, really true, once you truly live it and you let go of those rules, and the expectations you’ve created for yourself fuck man, it’s so good. 

Lydia: Like you said, it’s so much easier said than done, but if we go back to earlier in the podcast is like what would it look like as if it was easy? Like, yeah, I might not be able to fully like make this happen. I can’t fully be confident in who I am right now. But what’s like something I can do, every little like yeah thing is going to add up eventually though, that evidence that you can be you. 

Neens: I do want to acknowledge though that I think for both of us it probably, even though we say it’s it’s easier said than done, it probably still is a bit easier for us because we do hold some privilege too, so I do want to acknowledge It. ’cause I think for some people it actually is really hard so if you’re one of those people listening, I do acknowledge that you know what we’ve said sounds very easy, but it comes from a background of having some privilege there too, so. 

With that said, I think we’re pretty much at time, sorry. I kinda feel actually I just want to keep talking but I have to bring it to a close, but maybe we’ll just do another episode down the track. 

But where can people find you like what’s your website? Where are you on Instagram? All of the all of the good stuff. Where can people find you? How can they work with you? 

Lydia: Oh OK, so you can find me on the gram and it is @coach_lydia_ and we could probably put these in the show notes. 

Neens: Of course we will. With links, with links. 

Lydia: Yeah like, what’s my website again, I recently changed it to .co.nz so it’s www.coachlydia.co.nz, yeah, I think that’s right. But yeah, best way to hit me up is just like slide into my DMS on the gram. Or you can hit me up via my website as well. 

Neens: Awesome, cool and I think you send out like weekly, what are they called, the golden…? 

Lydia: Golden nuggies!!! 

Neens: Yes! We’ll put all the links that you need we’ll put them in the show notes and. And yeah, thank you so much for joining me on this episode. It was awesome to have a chat and to sort of discuss, a guess a bit of both of our journeys and we definitelycould keep talking. So we definitely need to do another one. But until then, thank you all for listening to and I don’t know I never know how to finish these things, so I’m just going to say bye. 

Those journal prompts Lydia shared in the episode:

3 things you’re grateful for
3 things that will make my day epic
3 intentions that will make me feel like a badass

3 things that made the day epic
3 things that I could have done better

Links for you:
Connect with Lydia on Instagram
Check out Lydia’s website
Sign up to Lydia’s Golden Nuggies emails
How to Fail Podcast with Brené Brown mentioned in this episode